


Trying not to lose you.

by Nerd_alert19



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 01:02:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21007109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerd_alert19/pseuds/Nerd_alert19
Summary: Takes a canon divergence around the end of season two when May and Garner decide to leave for vacation. Phil asks her to choose. *Story ignores the loss of his hand.





	1. Chapter 1

He knew it would be a mistake. He and May had grown closer while he was carving. He lost sleep thinking about a cabin in the Australian Outback and how he would have gladly gone and lived out the rest of his days with her there, but it wouldn’t have been fair to her. She would have had to take care of him as his mental state deteriorated, and though he knew she could take care of herself, he couldn’t stand the thought of ever laying a hand on her to harm her. He’d seen how violent some of the other’s had gotten from the GH 325 serum, and he just couldn’t put her through that. He can admit now that he was the biggest idiot and jackass in the world to have even suggested she be the one to take him out. He just felt like he didn’t have options. That’s what lead him to Garner. He was the only one that could be trusted with Shield secrets and he needed help. He needed to get better for her.

  
They were past the carving now. She had been angry with him for talking to Garner behind her back, but they were past that now too. Now he was here to help Skye, and he knew she would have reached out to him herself to help the girl if he hadn't suggested it. He kept telling himself that Skye getting the help she needed was worth it, but Garner's time was not limited to Skye. He spent as much time as he could with Melinda as well. He knew bringing in Andrew Garner would be a mistake, but he did it anyway.

  
She smiled and laughed more now, and he couldn’t seem to let that go. He was so happy to see that side of her again, but it hurt to see it directed towards someone else. He tried to avoid them, but the base felt much smaller these days. She turned down his offer for dinner last night, because she had already made plans with Garner. He never saw her come back to base. He was afraid to ask if she even did. This all hurt too much.

  
She invited him to join them for lunch earlier when he ran into them in the kitchen making sandwiches; but her touch lingered on Garner's arm, and his stomach turned at the way she looked at him. He politely declined and spent the rest of the day locked away in his office. He was grateful for the distraction that work provided, but now he’s caught up on all his paperwork and even some of May’s. He needs more to do, but he’s afraid to leave his office and risk running into them again. He grabs a few more files from May’s stack and gets to work.

The knock on his office door a little later has him calling out for them to enter without even looking up from the file he’s perusing. “I’m not hungry Skye, but I’ll eat something soon I promise.”

“You should. You need to eat.” He hears from the doorway and looks up with a startled expression.

“May.”

She takes her customary seat at his desk as she realizes what he’s working on. “You’ve almost done all my paper work.”

“Yeah…sorry. I was in the zone I guess.” He explains and looks back at the file to avoid her gaze.

She’s silent for a moment before suggesting, “Looks like you don’t need me anymore.”

His head snaps up at that and he argues, “Of course I need you! Why would you say that?”

“I was just hoping that you might could not need me for a little while.” She says with a soft smile “I was going to use up some of my vacation days if that’s okay.”

He should be pleased that she’s finally taking a day off, but he’s too sure of why she’s taking time off and even more certain that she won’t be alone. He feels his chest tighten and he tries to force a smile as he responds, “Of course, May. You of all people deserve some rest. When will you leave?”

“Tomorrow if that’s okay.” She answers, and he knows she’s watching him closely for a response.

He nods, and his hands grip his knees under his desk where she can’t see. He feels like he’s been sucker punched in the gut, and he just needs her out of his office.

“Yeah” he says slowly and tries to keep a neutral expression. “That sounds great. You should go pack then. Hope you have a great trip. Call if you need anything and umm….come back soon.”

She narrows her eyes as she studies him. He goes back to studying the file in his hands until she stands.

“Take care of yourself, Phil. Make sure you eat something…okay?” Her tone is sad, and he wants to look up at her but knows if he does then he’ll beg her not to go. Instead he stares at the file.

“I will” he promises and waits to hear the door to his office open and close before he looks up.

The office is empty and he stares at the door thinking that he’d just lost more than his deputy director. He had the sudden fear that she wouldn’t come back. She might decide that she can’t work here with him if she wants to have a life with Garner. She could leave shield.

She could leave him.

He wasn’t sure how long he stared at the closed door, but the longer he sat there the more certain he became that he was about to lose her for good. Desperation clawed at him, and he knew he needed to do something.

He wouldn’t survive losing her permanently. He paced his room for over an hour. He showered, changed, paced some more. He was about to take the biggest risk of his life, and he could really use a strong drink. He looked over at the shelf where a bottle of Haig rested. He smiled and walked over to pick it up. Just holding it in his hand strengthened his resolve, and he grasped it tighter as he walked out the door.

He stood outside of her door and took a steadying breath before knocking. It took her a moment to open the door, and her smile was bright when she did.

He moved to hold up the Haig and ask to come in when his attention was drawn to movement inside her bunk. She wasn’t alone.

“Hey Melinda, maybe you should pack some sunscreen. I bet you hardly ever get real sun living on this base…oh hi, Phil.”

He felt the air rush from his lungs, and he nodded in Garner’s direction. The man didn’t seem to notice his discomfort as he nodded at him in greeting and continued to move around Melinda’s bunk throwing items in her travel bag.

He shifted his gaze to Melinda in apology as he tried to force words out. “I’m sorry…this is a bad time. Have a great trip, May.”

She didn’t respond. Her eyes were fixed on the bottle in his hands. Her eyes shifted up to his, and a look of confusion painted her face. He offered her a sad smile and shrug of his shoulders. He needed to go.

“I’ll see you when you get back.” He said and turned to head back down the corridor.

He heard her call out to him, but he squared his shoulders and kept walking.

His office was quiet and the sound of the glass bottle settling on the desk reverberated throughout the room. He sank down into his desk chair and rested his elbows on the desk as he cradled his head in his hands. He sat up quickly when he heard his office door open. He should have known she’d follow him.

“You brought the Haig” she stated without preamble. “Why did you bring the Haig?”

He couldn’t formulate his jumbled thoughts into a response. She grew impatient with his silence.

“I need you to say something, Phil.” She pleaded

“Choose me.” He said, and the shocked look on her face told him that wasn’t exactly what she wanted to hear; but it was too late now. “Don’t go with Garner. Stay here….with me.”

Her eyes grew soft and her whispered, “Phil” was almost his undoing.

He forged ahead. “I’m in love with you, Melinda. I’ve been in love with you for so long…and I want you to choose me. Be with me.”

Her look of surprise turned to a look of brokenness, and he held his breath. He could see her jaw clench and her hand quickly dart up to brush a stray tear from the corner of her eye.

His stomach tightened as he realized he’d just made a huge mistake.

“I’m so sorry, Phil” she whispered, and her voice was laced with pain.

His own eyes clouded with moisture and he nodded his head in resignation.

That was it then. Nothing left to say.

She wouldn’t meet his eyes, and her voice cracked a little as she began to speak. “I wish things were different, Phil, I just don’t...”

“It’s okay.” He cut her off “I understand.”

This was his fault. He was the idiot that fell in love with his best friend. She was finally finding happiness again after all these years thinking she didn’t deserve it. He felt like such a jerk for tainting that. He should have never put this on her.

“I’m sorry…” he started but she raised a hand to cut him off. He closed his mouth, and the silence echoed between them. This whole mess was a nightmare. He wished he could take it back. He wished he could change time. He wished that he could change her mind.

She looked so lost standing there in his office, and he just needed her to be okay.

“Don’t forget to come home, May. Be safe and have a good trip. You deserve to be happy.”

She nodded but didn’t speak as she studied him for a moment. “Take care of yourself, Phil.” She finally said and caught his eyes one last time before turning and heading out the door.

His heart broke as he watched her leave.

In the morning she was gone. 

  
He’d lost her.


	2. Chapter 2

It’s been two months since she left. He hasn’t seen her since he stood inside his office confessing to feelings that cost him everything. It’s been two months since she chose someone else.

Time hasn’t started the healing process.

He replays that night over and over in his head wondering if he should have lived with those feelings and never confessed them. He would still have her here. He could have found a way to watch her love someone else. He did it before. At least he wouldn’t have to face a life without her. He should have been content just being her best friend.

He has nothing now.

He’s tired and needs sleep. He hasn’t gotten much of that since she left. During the day he’s busy enough as the Director to stay distracted, but at night he can’t shake the loss. He doesn’t drown himself in drinks like he wants to; he’s experienced enough to know it won’t help. He should drink something, just enough to numb his brain; but instead he lays awake at night replaying every moment with her, every word until he falls asleep.

Tonight will be the same.

He opens his door and hangs his jacket on the hook. His head snaps up instantly. He’s never been in a room with her without knowing. There’s a spark when she’s in the same room that he’s felt since he met her; a keen sense of her presence that’s always comforted and keyed him up all at once.

She’s sitting on the edge of his bed but stands as he looks her over. Her hands are clenched at her side and he knows that it’s costing her to be here whatever her reason. He feels the lump forming in his throat and the prick of moisture in his eyes at the sight of her after missing her these last couple of months.

He can’t get words to form and his chest hurts as they continue to watch each other. He wants to know why she’s here, but he’s so terrified that she’ll leave again if he asks. He waits for her to say something.

She opens her mouth a couple of times to say something, but no sound comes out and he’s so broken he can’t take it anymore.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt? What’s wrong Melinda?” His words rush out as he considers that she wouldn’t come back without a reason, and fear settles over him as he notices the slight sheen in her eyes as they catch the lamp light.

She glances away and swallows hard as she gathers herself. He balls his fist in the fabric at his thighs to keep from reaching out to her.

She studies him for a moment before shaking her head and softly saying, “Even after everything, you’re still trying to take care of me.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t help it. You’re…and I..…I just can’t help it.” He stammers out as he moves closer to her but holds himself back a couple of steps away.

She catches his hesitance to be too close and looks down to study the hands she has clasped in front of her. He barely hears her softly spoken, “It’s over, Phil.”

He’s known for two months that she doesn’t love him back, but the blow feels fresh as she reminds him. “I know….I know….I understand…I just…”

“I talked to him as soon as I walked away that night.” She interrupts, and he looks away to hide the hurt. “I couldn’t be with him knowing that you felt that way. It would have been easy to go with him, and pretend that you hadn’t just changed everything; but there’s no going back from that….only moving forward.” His head snaps up at the familiar words, and his shoulders sag in defeat.

“So…you ended it with him, but you left….so you clearly don’t want to be with me either. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, and I’m so sorry.” He reached out to touch her arm but pulled back and clenched his fist by his side.

“Sorry that you love me?” She asks with a hardened tone to her voice.

He shakes his head with a sad smile. “Sorry that I lost you.”

“I’m here now.” She says softly and he tells himself it would be enough if she’d just stay.

He’s willing to beg her. He takes a hesitant step closer as he pleads, “You are….and I really want you to stay. You’re my best friend, Melinda. I need you in my life. I’ll get past this I swear. I won’t mention it again….just don’t leave. Please….just don’t leave me.”

“I love you.”

He can’t breathe and he knows he should say something, but she continues in his silence.

“I love you too, Phil. I’m….I’m sorry I left, but you and I….I don’t know how we can make that work. We can’t be objective when it comes to each other.”

He's had this same argument with his head for years. “We’ve never been objective when it comes to each other. You’ll always matter more…whether we’re together or not. You mean everything to me Melinda….that doesn’t change because you’re not with me.”

She’s not convinced and crosses her arms over her chest as she argues, “We’ll be compromised even more out there if we have more at stake. I put you first now…if we were together….”

“We’d get to come home to each other….share a life together…” He interrupts, and he sees her eyes soften at his words; but then sadness clouds them.

“And what if one of us doesn’t make it home?” She asks softly.

He’s had this argument too. “Would it hurt any less now if one of us didn’t?”

“No.”

He knows he’s only got one chance to convince her so he takes a step closer and pleads his case. “I’ve spent the last two months feeling like everything that mattered was missing. If I lost you for good, Melinda….knowing I’d never see you again….I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what we could have had together. I don’t want to face a life of regret that we never tried.”

“Phil, I….” She tried, but he stopped her.

“I love you. I love you so much, and you’re here now. Please, Melinda, just try with me. This is worth the risk I swear it is. We just have to…”

Any words to follow were cut off by her lips crashing into his. He caught her in his arms and held her tight. One hand moved up to cup her jaw as her lips moved possessively over his. Her hands were fisted in his shirt, and the tip of her tongue brushing over his lip had his hand moving from her jaw to bunch in her hair while his other moved from her hip to spread across the small of her back.

His lungs burned from the lack of air, and he regretfully pulled away to catch his breath. Her eyes opened slowly to look at his lips before flicking up to catch his eyes. Her lips were swollen and her hair slightly mussed and he’d never seen such and exquisite sight; but then she smiled and his heart exploded.

She rested her head against his chest and his arms moved around her waist to hold her close. He placed a kiss to the crown of her head and felt her smile against his shoulder.

"We have to make this work, Phil," she said into his shirt. 

His hand moved slowly up and down her back as he assured her, "We will."

He was content standing there holding her in his arms. She was home, and she loved him back. He couldn't wipe the smile off of his face if he tried. 

“So are you like…my girlfriend now?” He asked playfully a moment later.

“No.”

He smiled and tried again, “Lover?”

She chuckled and reached up to brush her lips across his neck. “Not yet.”

“Mmm… so then….” He started, but she cut him off.

“Yours. I’m just yours.”

He knew he was grinning like an idiot, but he didn’t care. “That’s perfect,” he replied and tightened his arms around her waist to hold her closer.

It really was.


End file.
